Hour by Hour of Awkwardness

My roommates often wonder where I am. There are some weeks where I go days without seeing them. Not because I hate them, I'm just busy. So this, Roomies...this one's for you.

A Day in the Life (of Someone With No Life:) 

A picture is worth a thousands words. So instead of telling my roommates what I was doing every hour, on the hour on a basic school day I wanted to show them. But don't worry readers, I'm sure you are dying to know about my life as well.

My methodology: I set an alarm on my phone to go off on the hour, every hour, from 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. At that exact moment I would stop what I was doing and take a picture of exactly what I was looking at. At that exact moment. No exceptions. This is to give a complete and accurate portrayal of the boring hours that I like to call my life.

9:00 a.m.

Exact moment when I opened my eyes for the day. As you can see, I have a hand-drawn portrait of Shakespeare on my chalk board wall. Also, I have prescription drugs sitting next to my bedside. (I know, my coolness level just lowered to -5 in your minds)

10:00 a.m.

I was just so excited for my day of pictures that I forgot to reset my alarm for class. This is the exact moment that I realized I had slept through half of my writing class. 

As you can tell by the terrifying photo, I'm not holding anything back, readers. This really is a day in the life.

11 a.m.

Still not looking too hot and it's almost noon. But look at that view off my balcony. I mean, CAN YOU GET ANY BETTER THAN THE CLOCK TOWER? I really should invest in some sunglasses.

12 p.m.

Hello, work. I've missed you. (Oh wait, no I haven't). 

1 p.m.

Of course the 15 seconds I spend looking for candy is the exact second my alarm goes off to take a photo. I promise I wasn't just sitting here staring at this bowl of candy. Now if it was chocolate..that's a different story. 

2 p.m.

 How can a girl concentrate in lecture class with her blonde roommate sitting next to her?

3 p.m.

 I severely doubted putting this photo on. But it was just too perfect when I ran to the bathroom before class that my alarm started going off in my purse. A girl's gotta pee. It's a part of life. Get over it. 

4 p.m.

After the 3 pm pee photo incident, I was a little more aware of what exactly was happening when the hour struck. So for my 4pm Honors Colloquium with a very-intense Yale grad of a professor, I had to preface my little blog project before I took the photo. I told her that when my phone vibrated on the table, I had to take a photo of the exact thing I was looking at. The only way she would let me do it during class time was if she could flip off the camera when it happened. And alas, if  you look close enough...she's not scratching her face.

5 p.m.

I didn't quite give Daniel the same courtesy I gave my professor at 4 pm by warning him of the photo. Nor did I tell him afterwards why exactly I snapshotted him eating pizza. Some things are just better left a mystery.

6 p.m.

So obviously, after my STRESSFUL day (I mean, you've been with me every hour on the hour readers, IT'S BEEN INTENSE) of course I needed a little television time. Sometimes you have to put up your Keds, lay on the couch and chill. But only for like, 15 minutes.

7 p.m.

 Crap. I fell asleep. So much for 15 minutes of chill time. 

8 p.m.

There's nothing better to do at night than the gaining of knowledge over nonprofit and philanthropy with your colleagues. I was obviously paying a ton of attention and taking very detailed notes.

9 p.m.

After a long and stressful 12 hours consisting of sleeping through class, furious note taking and a much needed nap time, there's no better way to end a long day with an almost-unbaked chocolate chip cookie. The only problem was when my alarm went off at 9pm to take a photo, my hands were a little chocolatey.

So there you have it. 12 photos of 12 moments that I had during the day. I would like to say that the 59 minutes in between when those photos were taken were spent doing some of the most incredible, most world-changing things that you could only imagine. In between that bowl of candy and class, I was helping a grandma cross the street. Before that chocolate chip cookie, I saved a kitten from a tree. But the alarm didn't go off. Sometimes the greatest things you do are never seen. 

We all need these moments in life. These moments when you can just kick up your Keds and watch TV. Moments when you accidentally sleep through class. Moments when your dinner is a cookie. It's moments like these, where you're enjoying life and friends and sweets and laughter, that are remembered. It's what I've always been telling you, readers... 

Just live simply. 

Dealbreakers

I'm a desirable girl.

Wait, "desirable" is a synonym for "mediocrity," right? That's what I thought.

So, being the desirable woman that I am, I am very picky when it comes to choosing my mate. If the female praying mantis takes sexual selection seriously enough to eat a potential suitor's head just because she isn't impressed by him then, by golly, so can I.

It's natural selection for females to be picky. Therefore, it's natural for me to have a few dealbreakers when it comes to my potential suitors. It does not matter if the guy is Brad Pitt, if he commits one of these crimes, heeeee'ssss outta hereeee! (That was me attempting to make a baseball reference and failing miserably.)

Completely Understandable and Valid Dealbreakers in a Relationship: 

1. He doesn't know the difference between an ape and a monkey.

The second he calls a gorilla a monkey is the second I discredit every word out of his mouth. Monkeys have tails. Apes do not. They are two different species. It's not that hard. It's natural for guys to look at butts, so next time you're at the zoo, please look at the primates butt for clarification before you say a word.

2. He has too many keychains.

If he can't fit his car keys into his pocket, he can't hold my hand.

3. He uses the winky face in a text message.

Unless your emoji is trying to explain that you have something in your eye, do not, DO NOT send me the winky emoji. Instant pedophile.

4. He thinks those cicada exoskeletons are nasty.

We're in Oklahoma. It's time to accept the fact that cicadas are everywhere. They're loud as hell. And they go through metamorphosis. Accept the beauties of nature and don't run away screaming like a sissy if I walk toward you with a completely harmless exoskeleton in my hand. It won't bite, but I may.

5. He wouldn't help at turtle cross the road.

I mean, c'mon. DO YOU NOT HAVE A HEART OR SOUL?

6. He's never seen Lord of the Rings.

Ahemmm, how can you go see The Hobbit with me in December if you haven't seen the heart-touching (and possibly homosexual?) relationship between Samwise and Frodo?

7. He doesn't know every word to the first chorus of Ice, Ice Baby. 

We were all 7th graders once. And if you were too cool in 7th grade to listen to that song over and over again attempting to memorize it, well, then you're obviously too cool for me.

8. He wears ugly socks.

If his sock drawer doesn't look like it belongs in an 80 year old man's home, then I don't want to know him. Stripes are a must in every sock wardrobe.

9. He wouldn't be willing to go to Golden Corral with me on a Sunday.

1. People watching. 2. Endless fried shrimp. Need I say more?

10. He has voted more for an American Idol winner than a political candidate.

I know the vote-off between Reuben Studdard and Clay Aiken KIND of mirrored the race for presidency between Barack and John McCain, but if you care more about someone who is going to have a shitty music career lasting 2 months than you do about our nation, well, just don't even talk to me.

So there you have it. Ten completely rational relationship requests. I mean, doesn't every girl want this in their future mate?

(A Girl Who Has No Idea How To Get Ready)'s Guide to Getting Ready

Girls are supposed to have an innate wisdom about some things.

1. Giving birth.
2. Changing a diaper.
3. Being nice.
4. Getting ready.

 In my 21 years of life, I have had to find alternate routes to accomplish these certain tasks that come naturally to other girls. (This is where you ask, "How do you do it, Maggie?!) Well, readers, I'll tell you. It's simple.

1. Don't get pregnant.
2. Avoid babies at all cost, especially when they smell like shit.
3. Vaseline on the teeth. It makes you smile more.
4. Years of practice.

I'll take the heat and be an advocate for girls everywhere who had no idea what the hell what an eyelash curler was until well, 3 weeks ago. So, whether you're just lazy or were born with the XX gene but without the knowledge of makeup application, this one is for you.

The Hair: The Mulan Bun. (Time: 14 seconds, and yes, I'm actually timing)

Now I can represent my favorite Disney movie AND be lazy at the same time.

The resemblance is uncanny, I know.

The Makeup: Revlon Fire and Ice Lipstick and MAC Concealer

$8 dollars away from Anne Hathaway

Pale, vampiric girls like myself love red lipstick. I don't know what it is, but I feel empowered. The downside is that boys don't want to kiss you, but hey, I think I'll be okay without them. 

I don't sleep. My schedule does not permit it. Therefore, there's nothing better than a little concealer under the eyes. I think you're supposed to use a brush or some sort of tool to apply it, but I just use my finger.

The Clothes: Whatever isn't dirty.

My favorite shirts are my Crocodile Hunter shirt and my Chocolate Lab shirt. They are comfy. I like Steve Irwin and I like Labs. But I know I can't wear them in public for fear of ridicule. So I stick to the basics: I have Target v-necks in every color. I cuff my jeans. I love me some Urban Outfitters shoes. I can tell a lot about a person based on their shoes--and for someone who has as little fashion sense as I, I judge people by the shoe choice.


So there you have it. An absolutely useless guide to not wasting hours on your appearance. Every day I walk out of the house only spending a few minutes in front of the mirror. I don't look like a model. I don't look like a slob. I just look like me. And by golly, I feel pretty damn good.