(A Girl Who Has No Idea How To Get Ready)'s Guide to Getting Ready

Girls are supposed to have an innate wisdom about some things.

1. Giving birth.
2. Changing a diaper.
3. Being nice.
4. Getting ready.

 In my 21 years of life, I have had to find alternate routes to accomplish these certain tasks that come naturally to other girls. (This is where you ask, "How do you do it, Maggie?!) Well, readers, I'll tell you. It's simple.

1. Don't get pregnant.
2. Avoid babies at all cost, especially when they smell like shit.
3. Vaseline on the teeth. It makes you smile more.
4. Years of practice.

I'll take the heat and be an advocate for girls everywhere who had no idea what the hell what an eyelash curler was until well, 3 weeks ago. So, whether you're just lazy or were born with the XX gene but without the knowledge of makeup application, this one is for you.

The Hair: The Mulan Bun. (Time: 14 seconds, and yes, I'm actually timing)

Now I can represent my favorite Disney movie AND be lazy at the same time.

The resemblance is uncanny, I know.

The Makeup: Revlon Fire and Ice Lipstick and MAC Concealer

$8 dollars away from Anne Hathaway

Pale, vampiric girls like myself love red lipstick. I don't know what it is, but I feel empowered. The downside is that boys don't want to kiss you, but hey, I think I'll be okay without them. 

I don't sleep. My schedule does not permit it. Therefore, there's nothing better than a little concealer under the eyes. I think you're supposed to use a brush or some sort of tool to apply it, but I just use my finger.

The Clothes: Whatever isn't dirty.

My favorite shirts are my Crocodile Hunter shirt and my Chocolate Lab shirt. They are comfy. I like Steve Irwin and I like Labs. But I know I can't wear them in public for fear of ridicule. So I stick to the basics: I have Target v-necks in every color. I cuff my jeans. I love me some Urban Outfitters shoes. I can tell a lot about a person based on their shoes--and for someone who has as little fashion sense as I, I judge people by the shoe choice.


So there you have it. An absolutely useless guide to not wasting hours on your appearance. Every day I walk out of the house only spending a few minutes in front of the mirror. I don't look like a model. I don't look like a slob. I just look like me. And by golly, I feel pretty damn good.