I’ve Been Corrupted

I’m not proud of the person that I have become.

I used to think of myself as a simple girl. I enjoyed the simple things in life: walks in the park, the wagging tail of a puppy, a warm cherry pie.

Not anymore. I have been corrupted. And I’m not going back.

I had an aversion to Apple products. I’ve always told myself you can never trust something that’s named after a fruit. ( Fruit of the Loom underwear? Creepy, who wants a phallic banana logo on their boxers?) Perhaps if Steve Jobs named his company after a more appealing food I would be more on board. I can see it now: Introducing the iPhone 5 from Pudding. It just sounds so much more delicious.

I don’t know when I had my Come-To-Jobs moment. It could of been because when my Blackberry vibrated in my backpack, it sounded like a swarm of hundreds of African killer bees were trapped in my bag. It could have been when my Dell computer broke for the 3rd time in a year when I dropped from A FOOT off the ground onto CARPETED floor with a CASE on it.

Or it could be when Gaylord College gave me an iPad Mini.

If you all remember, the Education College received iPads last semester and it ignited this social media war. Suddenly, for the first time ever, Pre-Med undergrads were jealous of those selfless bleeding hearts that want to dedicate their lives to screaming children and awful pay. The tweets were getting heated. So of course, I had to jump on the bandwagon.

I got some backlash from my Education friends, correcting me because they actually received iPad 4s. But hey, I’m a journalism major and SINCE WHEN do journalists fact check?

So now, here I am..with my Macbook, iPhone and now iPad Mini. And let me tell you, Fun-Sized Snickers are pretty damn tasty. But also like Fun-Sized Snickers--there’s no real point to them.

Jimmy Kimmel sums up how I have been using my iPad so far:

But now being the tech savvy person that I am, there are still some problems I have with my new gadgets and just technology in general.

1. It expects me to remember things about myself.

Thank you, Exchange, for locking me out of my e-mail.

How am I supposed to log into my e-mail if you’re going to just spring questions on me like that? Pretty soon they’re going to be asking me “What are you wearing?” and “What was the name of that kid that smelled like cat litter that sat next to you in AP Bio junior year?” I know you’re trying to protect my identity, Technology, but could you please ask me more relevant questions like “How long was Kim Kardashian married to Kris Humphreys?” That shit’s important.

2. It questions my attention span. 

Stop with the sass, Pandora. It’s not like I’m getting this music for free or anything! (Oh, wait..) Yes, I’m still listening! I have been listening for 8 hours as I try to finish this 10 page paper that I procrastinated until the last minute. So please for the love of Steve Jobs, GET BACK TO PLAYING MY MULAN RADIO STATION.

3. It makes me realize that I’m an idiot.

Google is a blessing. Now with just a click of a button any information in the world can be at our fingertips. Think of the things you can learn?! Obviously my past Google searches show that I really am on a quest for knowledge.

Some say that technology has killed our communications. And you know what I want to say to them?

STFU, k? TTYL! 

Why the Cavemen Had It Right

It used to be easy to find a mate.

 In the prehistoric era, all you needed was a couple of grunts and a weapon. If only men could still club a deer on the head and drag it back to the cave. That shit's impressive. Now a days, the ways of finding a mate have somehow digressed even lower down the evolutionary chain than caveman.

So this one's for you, Men of OU. Someone has to tell you that you're doing it wrong.

First off, bro, why are you reading my blog? Yes, you. Sitting there staring at my very feminine and girly layout. What if someone sees you? Your manly reputation will be ruined. Perhaps you're reading it on a phone so no one knows. I have a word of advice: Don't stop. Don't ever stop. (Just delete your history and pretend like you were looking for pictures of Megan Fox). 

Secondly, your mating techniques suck. It's not necessarily you're fault. You just weren't properly trained.

Instead of flexing your survival prowess like the caveman, you have downgraded to impressing the female gender with Lemon Drop Shots. There's nothing that makes me want a guy more than watching him sip, pinky-out an overly sugary drink and then top it off by seductively sucking on a lemon. Hubba-hubba.

And finally, I really didn't think verbal communication could get much worse than the occasional grunts and a hair pull of our CaveGuys and CaveLady ancestors. But who needs a grunt whenever you can just Poke a girl on Facebook?

I am slightly confused what Mark Zuckerberg was thinking when he thought of this flirting technique. "What am I going to do? I can't think of anything witty, flirty or at all charming to post on my potential mate's Facebook wall, but I still want them to know that I am potentially considering them as a make out partner. Oh. I know! I will virtually stick my pointer finger into the side of their stomach! That gets 'em every time!"

Just a little advice, Men of OU. No one like that but the Pillsberry Dough Boy.

But hey, boys. It's a new year. 2013 has endless possibilities that can be completely free of Lemon Drop Shots and Facebook poking. NEW YEAR, NEW YOU, AM I RIGHT?

Okay, stop reading. It's getting embarrassing.

And here's a picture of Megan Fox just to make your Y chromosome a little more apparent.