10 Reasons I'm Seceding from the Union

This whole election business has got me thinking.

If something doesn't make me happy, I can just leave. It's genius.

One time when I was 8, my mom wouldn't let me watch Jerry Springer. I was furious. I grabbed my Teddy, packed my My Little Pony suitcase and started walking. I was going to show that bitch who was boss. But then I got hungry about 15 minutes later and turned home, so that didn't really work out too well.

But hey, if Oklahoma and many other states are seceding from the Union after this recent presidential election, then by God, I can too.

Now, I don't really care too much for politics. But there are plenty of things that piss me the hell off. AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE.

10 Reasons I'm Seceding From The Union:

1. When I see a picture of Justin Bieber I can't tell if it's him or a lesbian. 

Which is which?

2. The Pad Industry thinks we're stupid. 

Really people, BLUE? You confused about 60% of 5th graders.

3. Nickelodean allowed the doctor in Rugrats to be named Lipshitz.

YOU THINK WE REALLY WOULDN'T NOTICE?

4. It's socially acceptable whenever someone loses something for people to respond by "Well, it's always in the last place you look." OF COURSE IT IS. Why would I still be looking AFTER I've already found it?

5. People actually wear this shirt...seriously. Screw the Whales. Who cares about Kony anymore anyway? Let's free the rapper that ACCIDENTALLY SHOT HIMSELF one time and DRINKS A MIXTURE OF COUGH SYRUP AND VODKA TO GET HIGH. 

There's no other cause you can stand behind?

6. Winning beer pong is absolutely pointless, yet people still play. People play drinking games to drink. But if you win beer pong, you technically drink less and the loser drink more. So are the losers actually the winners in the long run? Trying to figure it out hurts my brain the same way watching time-travel movies does. 

It's just plain confusing.

7. Taco Bell only gives me 2 packets of hot sauce when it's obvious that I need more. Really, TB, do you think 2 packets of FIRE Sauce are enough for my 3 soft tacos, fiesta nachos, 2 chimichangas order? There's no way me and my friends are going to ration that FIRE Sauce like it's the last canteen in the Gobi Desert. 

The messages should just go ahead and say WE'RE CHEAP.

8. The fact that the Texas flag and the Chile flag are so damn similar. Could we not be a little more unique guys? It confused the hell out of me when I studied abroad there and now everyone thinks that my Chile flag sticker means I'm from Texas. 

Such creativity.

9. Hostess went out of business. There's only one person I can blame for this. OBAMA. First he takes my Twinkies then he's taking my money. 

America without Twinkies is pretty much North Korea.

10. That Google is being taking over by communists. There's really no other reason I can think of besides communism that would prevent my recent Googles to not show the results I want.

Could I have been any clearer? Obviously the government is controlling Google to not allow me to ask about these damn stickers I'm trying to remember. If anyone remembers the name of those stickers that we all had plastered over our binders as children let me know.

TAKE THAT OBAMA.

Next time you read this blog, readers, I will be posting from my own nation. It's about darn time. 

Until next time