Why the Cavemen Had It Right

It used to be easy to find a mate.

 In the prehistoric era, all you needed was a couple of grunts and a weapon. If only men could still club a deer on the head and drag it back to the cave. That shit's impressive. Now a days, the ways of finding a mate have somehow digressed even lower down the evolutionary chain than caveman.

So this one's for you, Men of OU. Someone has to tell you that you're doing it wrong.

First off, bro, why are you reading my blog? Yes, you. Sitting there staring at my very feminine and girly layout. What if someone sees you? Your manly reputation will be ruined. Perhaps you're reading it on a phone so no one knows. I have a word of advice: Don't stop. Don't ever stop. (Just delete your history and pretend like you were looking for pictures of Megan Fox). 

Secondly, your mating techniques suck. It's not necessarily you're fault. You just weren't properly trained.

Instead of flexing your survival prowess like the caveman, you have downgraded to impressing the female gender with Lemon Drop Shots. There's nothing that makes me want a guy more than watching him sip, pinky-out an overly sugary drink and then top it off by seductively sucking on a lemon. Hubba-hubba.

And finally, I really didn't think verbal communication could get much worse than the occasional grunts and a hair pull of our CaveGuys and CaveLady ancestors. But who needs a grunt whenever you can just Poke a girl on Facebook?

I am slightly confused what Mark Zuckerberg was thinking when he thought of this flirting technique. "What am I going to do? I can't think of anything witty, flirty or at all charming to post on my potential mate's Facebook wall, but I still want them to know that I am potentially considering them as a make out partner. Oh. I know! I will virtually stick my pointer finger into the side of their stomach! That gets 'em every time!"

Just a little advice, Men of OU. No one like that but the Pillsberry Dough Boy.

But hey, boys. It's a new year. 2013 has endless possibilities that can be completely free of Lemon Drop Shots and Facebook poking. NEW YEAR, NEW YOU, AM I RIGHT?

Okay, stop reading. It's getting embarrassing.

And here's a picture of Megan Fox just to make your Y chromosome a little more apparent.