MAG(GIE)NIFICENT: The Year of the Quirky Girl

2013 might just be my year.

That meteor that almost hit Russia must have triggered a shift in the gravitational pull of the earth, upsetting the laws of attraction. (I read a ~~Tweet~~ ~~article~~ book about it once, so it must be true).

Suddenly the male species of the population is acting very strangely.

Usually when I picture a male’s vision of a woman, Tina Fey hit the nail on the head.

"Every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.”

But you know what, Mrs. Fey? I beg to differ. I think men have finally figured it out! They finally understand that it’s the inside that counts. I mean, they’ve had a millennial to do it, so it’s about time isn’t it?

There’s a new trend of leading ladies on the block: J-Law, Zooey, Lena, Emma. These girls are the real thing. No more need to ever feel socially, physically or mentally inadequate ever again.

Girls, it’s finally time for us to stop trying so hard. This is our year. Throw out that pair of high heels and replace them with some Keds. Start wearing your bottle cap lens glasses more often that just when you’re out of contacts. Hell, why not wear your retainer all of the time?

The Year of the Quirky Girl:

Why we can all stop hiding our true selves

1. Looking like a grandma is hot.

All the signs point to this conclusion.

My grandma wears matching sets of pajamas with various animals printed on them.
Zooey Deschanel wears matching sets of pajamas with various animals printed on them.
Men think Zooey Deschanel is hot.

So, obviously, as the transitive property states.. Wait hold on let me do the math ( if a = b and b = c and if trains a and b are moving in opposite directions 40 mph, then, carry the two... a = c).

Then, yes. Grandmas = hot.

Looking hot has never been so comfortable. It’s just so refreshing to know that, thanks to The Year of the Quirky Girl, not only are guys turned off by the thought of showing skin, but they appreciate the style and charm of a woman three times his age.

In my attempt to be extra hot, I decided to take the Grandma Chic Trend a little further.

I’m looking so hot, I’ll need a stick to beat the boys away. (Or a cane. Ba dum ch.)

2. Falling is cool.

Thanks, Jennifer Lawrence. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, whenever I bust my ass, no longer will people say “Oh Maggie, you are just so clumsy.” They will look at me, with adoration in their eyes and say: “Oh Maggie, you are just so Jennifer.” And then I will proudly pick myself up off of that street curb I had just tripped on, wipe the blood pouring from both my kneecaps and walk away fist pumping like that gross guy from The Breakfast Club.

Suddenly, this girl is super cool:

3. Animals turn guys on.

At least, that’s what I have deduced from the various hot, quirky girls and their animals. If you are holding/touching/talkingabout/thinkingabout/cryingabout an animal, it’s cute. It shows you’re sensitive. Guys like sensitive.

I recently tried out this courting technique during a first date. I made sure to hit all the Quirky Girl points for effect.

Wearing grandmother’s (2 sizes too small) vintage shoes (pain is beauty). Check.

Fell to the ground in an art museum (minimal blood). Check.

Needless to say the date was going awesome! I’m pretty sure I almost had him reeled him. Just had to complete the trifecta and add an animal reference in there and he would be hooked. I kept trying to slip some sort of puppy joke or hoping he brought up some past pets or something during dinner.

The dinner was almost over. We had talked about how much we had in common, our similar music tastes and how we both loved to volunteer. Obviously, the date was turning to shit. We were heading out of the restaurant, and I knew I had to salvage it with at least one mention of an animal. I had to show I was sensitive and dateable! I couldn’t find a relevant conversation, so I just said it:

“I had a pet rat once.”

I can’t really remember how the rest of the date turned out, I’m pretty sure I blacked out due to excitement about completing the Quirky Girl Trifecta. But, because its the Year of the Quirky Girl, I’m sure he loved it. My phone’s been acting a little weird lately though, so I’m sure he’ll Facebook message me back to tell me if he did.

So thanks, Hollywood Quirky girls.

Thank you for being for being a good example of the average girl...