5 Things You Should Be Crying About Instead of Graduation

Girls all around campus have looked horrible today.

Hair a mess, clothes wrinkled, mascara everywhere. I honestly have to keep double-taking because I keep thinking I see hundreds Lindsey Lohans stumbling around the South Oval.

It’s not because they are coming home from a big kegger at Beta last night (because honestly who in their right minds would go to Beta?)

It’s not because their Chi straighteners broke (although I would probably look like a mess too; those are expensive!)

It’s not because their LuLu Lemon yoga pants are too tight (although you should be crying out of embarrassment, because yes, girls, I can see your you-know-what.)

It’s not because they just broke up with their Sticky Boobs (because due to a recent blog post I’ve heard girls everywhere are doing that).

It’s because college graduation makes girls a freaking wreck.

I’ve seen girls crying hugging their friends. Their boyfriends. Their professors. Their house moms. Hell, I saw a girl crying and hugging the statue of the Gossiping Ladies outside of the Union and sob “I’m really going to miss you guys.”

Stop! Just stop!

There are so many better, more valid reasons to be shedding tears.

Top 5 Things You Should Be Crying About Instead of Graduation

1. Amanda Bynes 

Honestly, what happened to our favorite "All That" cast member? She used to be funny. She used to be cute. Now she’s tweeting crazy things and has piercings where her dimples used to be. Instead of yelling the famous line “Bring in the Dancing Lobsters” she’s yelling “Bring me herione and some Koolaid.” I can’t tell if she makes me cry because I’m sad for her, or she really, really scares me. 

2. The fact that you don’t have a monkey as a best friend

Because all I want in life in a monkey best friend wearing Wranglers and a matching striped tee to hold me while sitting on a Persian rug. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? This guy doesn’t even know how lucky he is. And he really should wipe off the dirt from his knee.

3. Lays Chips, in general.

Lays Chips make me cry in two ways. First off, they are so, so good. The crunch. The oil. The perfect amount of saltiness to chip ratio that can only be topped in life by having a monkey as a best friend (see previous.)

But then they also make me cry when their gone- which is way. too. soon. Mr. Lay, whomever he is, really needs to rethink his business plan. I am not paying 90 cents for a bag full of air and 3 chips.

4. Toe Shoes

You know you’ve hit Dating Rock Bottom when you're talking to an attractive man at a bar only to look down and find him wearing these alien duck feet. Unless he tells you he’s a Republican. Then you GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE IMMEDIATELY.

5. The fact that a Little Rascals: All Grown Up sequel will never, ever happen.

I can see it now...our favorite little guys are all enrolled in college. Instead of the “He-Man Womun’ Haters Club,” they all join a fraternity. They still hate women, but instead of putting kitty litter in their sandwiches, instead they just get them too drunk at parties. Spanky’s the president of the fraternity. Alfafa secretly dates a girl in a the sorority down the street. But then Alfafa has to break up with Darla and she finds a preppy guy to sing with her in a Scandals show. The plot is so amazing it brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. But unfortunately it will never get made cause I heard the guy that plays Porky is homeless now and eats in the dumpster behind Walmart. Poor guy.

I know, everyone, I know. After my list you all are all in shambles. Your heart aches, not just for Amanda Bynes, but for yourself.

But hey, don’t you feel better about graduation?!

Suddenly, the idea of graduating and going into the adult world doesn’t seem so bad. No longer does the idea of leaving the place that you’ve grown to love, that has become your home, that you’ve taken for granted, and heading into the scary adult world, jobless sound so..scary... No, not scary at all.

Now, the idea of leaving your friends, your roommates, your boyfriends, your professors..hell, even that damn Gossiping Ladies statue doesn’t sting quite so much...

The fact that this is my last blogpost as a college student doesn’t affect me at all. Heck, I have so much other material besides college life to blog about!

Like..um...well there was this one time..no, that was in college. Get back to me.

Yes. There’re so many bigger things to cry about than graduation. And I swear, this water on my face right now isn’t tears. Nope. I’m pretty sure it’s just raining...only on my face.

Dammit, I should have worn waterproof mascara.