Jesus Christ(mas)

Dear Mrs. Claus,

I just got done taking a Women and Gender Studies class, and it made me look at this patriarchal world with a fresh set of eyes. Therefore, I'm not going to write that controlling bearded bastard any more letters telling him what I want for Christmas.

Plus, I've been pissed at him ever since I asked for a skateboard in 3rd grade and instead he gave me an Easy Bake Oven that said:

To Maggie,
     Women belong in the kitchen.
                    Love, Santa

And besides, we all know you, Mrs. Claus, are the real brains of the operation on deciding who has been naughty and who has been nice. Believe me, when my mom would be gone for the night and just my dad was in charge, shit would get crazy. Ice cream for dinner, no bedtime, the works. If it was just Santa calling the shots, no one would get coal and he probably would be delivering presents unwrapped and only wearing his boxers.

So please, please, please, from one broad to another, take my Christmas List to heart. Just once. For me. For women everywhere.

Maggie's Christmas List:

1. More things made out of Doritos. The Doritos Locos Tacos were a gift from God. Tacos...wrapped in shells...made of Doritos?!

I'm pretty sure Taco Bell's marketing team made a focus group of a bunch of stoners and asked them what sounded good to them. Thank you stoners. It was step in the right direction, but why stop now? The options are limitless. America may not be able to agree on gun control, but we all can sure agree that everything is better with a healthy tasting of Nacho Cheese.

2. Some pepper spray so I can regift it to the girl in "Baby It's Cold Outside." I'm not quite sure what makes "Baby It's Cold Outside a Christmas song? Is it because it's snowing? Bing Crosby's smooth vocals?  There's no mention of a Christmas tree (or menorah for all you Jews out there).

 I can't lie, I love that song. But that dude is really creepy. She keeps saying she needs to go, but he keeps coming at her. He probably was in a fraternity in college because I'm pretty sure he slips her a roofie at some point. Nothing says Christmas like a little eggnog and Rufilin!

3. Better luck at Dirty Santa. Nothing quite gets me in the Christmas spirit more than stealing presents from my friends and family! I mean, does my grandma reallllly need that electric blanket? Recently, I played a whopping game of Dirty Santa with some friends. The presents were good, I mean really good. A pack of classic DVDs. Some champagne. Nerf guns. I mean the options were limitless.

This is what I ended up with:

What luck!  Brushing my teeth is so much more enjoyable when its with a phallic object! Perhaps I shall regift this in my family's Dirty Santa to make up for stealing my grandma's electric blanket.

4. Some sticky boobs that don't look like raw chicken cutlets. For you men that read my blog (all two of you) "sticky boobs" (which I'm sure are the official name of the brand) are a magical bra bewitched by some sort of sorcerer or wizard. That's all you need to know. But magic always has it's downside. (Just look at Harry Potter 3 when Harry and Hermione used the time turner to go save Buckbeak. I mean, if such a thing exists in the world, why wouldn't you use it to save a giant ostrich-horse? It's not like Harry could have used that in any other situation when someone important to him died.)

But...anyway... The downside of this bra magic is that it has to look like you just bought it from the meat section in Walmart.

5. At least 3 extra paper towel dispensers and/or hand dryers in girls' bathrooms I'm pretty sure that seconds before I enter girls' bathrooms, there is a slip and slide contest that I wasn't invited to. That's the only reason that every surface in the bathroom--floors, counters, toilets, you name it--should be COMPLETELY SOAKING WET.

I know we go to bathrooms in packs, but is it really necessary to have water fights so intense that I literally have to hold my iPhone in my mouth while I'm washing my hands for fear of getting water damage.


So that's it Mrs. Claus. That's all I ask. And don't worry, instead of setting out cookies for Santa, I'll lay out a cute pair of earrings from Forever 21 and some face moisturizer. GIRL POWER!

Love,

Maggie

Until next time.