Why I Can't Leave Facebook Behind

You know that friend that you really don't like that much? They may be rude or annoying or just plain mean, but for some reason you just can't stop being friends with them? Maybe it's because they've been around for a long time. They've seen you grow from an awkward 15 year old all the way to an awkward 21 year old. You want to move on to bigger and better things, but there's something holding you back.


That friend is Facebook.

I know there are better friends in store for me than Facebook--friends that will treat me better, friends that are way cooler, more socially relevant and a hell of a lot less annoying. But. I. Just. Can't. Leave.

Facebook teaches me things and without it, well, I would be a lot less knowledgable of the important issues in life.

Without my friend Facebook:

How would I know which high school friends finally came out of the closet?

Some do it secretly. One day I'll be scrolling through my newsfeed and suddenly the quiet girl that sat behind me in English is kissing a girl in her photos. You sly fox.

Some do it openly. You know, the whole status update or the very ceremonial switch from interested in "Women" to interested in "Men." We all act like we are surprised, like the status and post the appropriate SO PROUD OF YOU!!!! comment. But really dude... you played with Barbies when we were in elementary school and I blatantly remember you one time you "jokingly" wearing my flapper dress in 8th grade.


How could I possibly know which candidate to support in the upcoming election?

Forget the news. I get my information from the most credible source on this planet. My Facebook friends. Preferably the ones without a college education and with the statuses containing the most grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. They're the true Americans.

How could I know what exactly my dad is up to at that very second?

My dad's Facebook has also given me an insight into what his interests and likes are..because he often uses them as his profile picture. Just to name a show a few of his recent profile pictures:

How could I possibly find my soul mate?

The old method of "love at first sight" is outdated. I think it should be changed to "love at first creepy Facebook message"

How could I realize that I will probably die alone?

Now as I'm getting older, I have seen numerous of my Facebook friends make the commitment of eternal love. These newly changed relationship status to Engaged has taught me one thing. The only thing I can be committed to at the current time is the Thursday night ritual of Vampire Diaries.



So you're welcome, Facebook. You are holding on to my friendship merely by a thread. And thank you in return. Thank you for the hours of endless entertainment (and self-confidence boosting material).

Readers' Costume Catastrophes

If I'm going to embarrass myself over and over again via blogpost, I am taking you all down with me. In my last blog post, I challenged my readers to send in their best, worst and most embarrassing Halloween costumes. After the overwhelming response, I've come to the conclusion that my readers are assholes.

Maybe that was too harsh. My readers are mischievous. Many of you threw your friends under the bus and instead of sending in your own photos, you sent in ones of your friends. 

So thank you, friends. Thank you for making me feel not alone in my awkward Halloween costumes. I originally was going to rank the photos I received from best to worst, buuuuutttt none of them are that good or impressive. Enjoy!

I'm sure sitting down in class was fun that day.

This may look like a nun to the untrained eye, but this girl from Virginia loves dressing up as her Pilgrim heritage. 

These costumes are quite the mystery, even to the person that sent the photo in. If I had to use my analyzing skills, the third costume is perhaps a Sexy Chesire Cat? 

I always thought Power Rangers glamorized racial stereotyping. I'm sorry, did the yellow ranger REALLY need to be Asian?

Chicken pedophilia is a serious problem in our society, and honestly, I don't appreciate these two making light of it with their costumes.

Cowboy never looked so gangster. This could be a mix between the scary twin girls in The Shining and Brokeback Mountain.

As you can tell from my array of costumes, I am a fan of cross dressing. These Napoleon Dynamite costumes will go down in history. 

It took me a while to understand exactly why these guys were dressing up like my Uncle Henry, but then I realized that they were going as the "Do The Creep" characters from SNL. Shortly after this photo was taken all three people were killed by that spider lurking in the background. RIP.

WATCH OUT. Jurassic Park is aiming to become the next Land Before Time and have about 14 sequels. In this adaptation, the T-Rex has gotten a lot less scary and a lot more fratty (see Sperry's) 

Someone help! Those bears have giant golden dinner plates stuck to their hands! 

I'm not sure where one finds a Shakespearean Romeo costume in the small town of Beaver, OK, but I guess it's possible.  

The minions from Despicable Me are a popular choice. The only thing I can focus on, however, is whether or not the one standing on the chair can legally be classified as a midget. 

Until next time. 

The Evolution of Awkwardness (Halloween Edition)

                                          

I’m not afraid to say it. I judge people.

            I like to think of it more as a 5-second analysis. It sounds more scientific like that. There is no more of that “don’t judge a book by its cover” bullcrap.

But don’t worry; it’s not a daily judgment. My entire basis of your personality, creativity, intelligence and contribution to humanity all comes down to one day, one outfit. Halloween.

Your choice in Halloween costume can be a direct correlation to the likelihood of our friendship succeeding. Choose wisely. One slutty cat costume and I may unfriend you on Facebook.

It’s really a simple concept. Halloween is on the same day, every year. It can never surprise you. It can never sneak up on you. You know it’s coming. Also, dressing up in a Halloween costume isn’t necessarily a new tradition. According to Wikipedia, which is ALWAYS right, Halloween costumes originated in the Middle Ages. The excuse that you “just didn’t know” can never fly with me.

College transforms Halloween. Long gone are the days of Trick or Treating. Instead of fairy princesses and witches, girls now just add the adjective SEXY to the beginning of any old costume and voila! Now you're a sexy witch. Heck, I'm sure some girls just wear what they wore for Halloween in 5th grade--the shorter and tighter the better. 

Last year at a costume party on Campus Corner I saw a girl wearing only bathing suit bottoms and suspenders cover her nipples. I kid you not. When questioned exactly whom she was supposed to be, she answered "Lady Gaga, duh." I'm sorry, girl. You looked more like a waxed Borat.  

So listen up readers. You have exactly 28 days to come up with the most epic costume of the century. Start now! Start early! Don’t come running to me the night before the big costume party and ask if I have a grey mini skirt so you can dress up like Hermione Granger at the last second. For starters, of course I don’t own anything with the word “mini” in it, unless it is followed by the words pizza or donut.

The Evolution of Awkwardness Halloween Edition:               

1992: A wizard? with a stank face?

1997: A vampire?

2000: Terrified Dorothy?

2002: A hippie? A homeless person?

2003: Annie Oakley? A wilderness lesbian?

2006: Samara from The Ring

This costume wasn't hard for me to put together. In 2006, The Ring came out in theaters which begun a life-long comparison to the terrifying villain in the movie, an 8 year old girl with long brown hair and pale skin. Sounded perfect for my very first boy-girl Halloween party. I mean, I looked scary. Real scary. Exactly like the girl. I even came prepared with a hand held squirt bottle to constantly have my hair soaked like I had just crawled out of the well like Samara. You know that scene in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan shows up as the Ex-Wife while everyone else are dressed as slutty animals? Well, that doesn't just happen in movies. 

2011: Honest Abe

2012: Not for Halloween, but can't pass up this Elvis costume

It's times like these when your life is put in front of you in pictures when you realize that something went wrong somewhere down the line. At some point my parents should have taken my hand and pulled me aside and said that girls were supposed to dress up as princesses and play with dolls. But then again, I would rather be Elvis than Nipple Suspender Girl any day. 

Tomorrow's blogpost will feature The Top 10 Reader's Costumes! 

Have any embarrassing/awesome/awful Halloween costumes? Send them to me at maggierhea@ou.edu to be featured on tomorrow night's blogpost! 

The Art of Avoidance

Time has never moved slower than those awkward 30 seconds while passing an acquaintance on an empty sidewalk.

We've all been there. You see them in the distance. It's just you and them and the looming dread of what's about to happen.  It's a moment of complete and utter panic. Your heart starts racing, your palms are sweaty, your mouth is dry. Time has completely stopped. It doesn't matter who they are: your professor, the girl you sat next to in Botany class, an ex hookup, someone you played with on The Stallions in 3rd grade soccer.

All you know is that you have to say hi.
Or do you?

When this happens to me, I feel as if I am out of some old Western movie. It's a shootout...but instead of drawing your gun to shoot, it's who is going to acknowledge the other's presence first.

It's a tricky recipe to get the timing down just right. We all handle this moment differently. Each is awkward. Each is uncomfortable. It's just a matter of life.

The Premature Hello: 

In a complete moment of panic, you wave...but way too soon.
When you fall victim to this awkward mishap, you have two options: continue to walk toward each other in complete silence or strike up some uncomfortable small talk to fill the void until you're out of each others sight.

The Distraction:

This one happens to be my favorite, not only because it's my specialty but also because you know exactly when someone else does it to you. It's like picking your nose...we all do it, but we just don't talk about it. Now, The Distraction is multi-faceted and varies with each user.

The Blind Texter: There must be some centripetal force in the world that makes people receive a very important text exactly at the moment you pass an acquaintance. Not just a "k" text or an "I'll see you soon" text, but a text so long and so important that you must look intently at your phone for AT LEAST 20 seconds and if you glance up, just for a moment, YOU MAY DIE.

The Tour Guide: You could be walking the same path you have walked every single day since the beginning of semester, but for some odd reason when you pass an acquaintance you suddenly are very interested in the Cherokee Gothic architecture of the Bizzell. It may be the 300th time you've passed Zarrow Hall, but you have never, ever noticed the unique way the shrubbery is perfectly parallel to the sidewalk. Nature has never been more beautiful.

The Trance: Usually you're very aware of your surroundings, but for some reason when you happen to pass someone you might know, you suddenly are in a trance. Now this trance is zombie-like. You're eyes are stuck completely forward in your sockets and they cannot move. All you can do it look straight ahead and keep marching on. I believe they call it tunnel vision, and it's usually accompanied with a life-threatening situation, but hey, people can die from awkwardness, right?

The Salvation: 

You've almost made it. Five more steps and the moment will pass. You've already pulled The Tour Guide move at the exact moment  your opponent became A Blind Texter...the coast is almost clear. But then it hits, that shred of humanity. That one moment when you realize that hey, maybe that girl in Botany class isn't so scary, or you think that perhaps one little greeting won't kill you. And you do it. Hey.

Now, it could go smoothly. You could be the coolest person on that side walk. Your acquaintance has never, ever heard someone say hey so charmingly, so debonair. They will write hey on your tombstone.

Wait, who am I kidding? Things never go according to plan.

The Aftermath:

The Silent Treatment: Perhaps what you thought was a confident and resounding HEY! actually sounded like a breathy grunt.  Even despite their close proximity they didn't hear your hey and didn't see your very obvious wave. But no worries, that random guy behind your acquaintance definitely saw you and now your tombstone will say CREEPY GUY THAT WAVES AT STRANGERS. Who's the dumbass now?

Now readers, perhaps you're not like the rest of us. Perhaps you are the coolest, most debonair person on that sidewalk, on ANY sidewalk and are confident in saying hello to whomever the hell you please. Congratulations. Just know, if we happen to cross paths on a lonely stretch of sidewalk, save me the trouble. Just yell out that you read my blog and you understand that the text message I'm reading really is very, very important.

Hour by Hour of Awkwardness

My roommates often wonder where I am. There are some weeks where I go days without seeing them. Not because I hate them, I'm just busy. So this, Roomies...this one's for you.

A Day in the Life (of Someone With No Life:) 

A picture is worth a thousands words. So instead of telling my roommates what I was doing every hour, on the hour on a basic school day I wanted to show them. But don't worry readers, I'm sure you are dying to know about my life as well.

My methodology: I set an alarm on my phone to go off on the hour, every hour, from 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. At that exact moment I would stop what I was doing and take a picture of exactly what I was looking at. At that exact moment. No exceptions. This is to give a complete and accurate portrayal of the boring hours that I like to call my life.

9:00 a.m.

Exact moment when I opened my eyes for the day. As you can see, I have a hand-drawn portrait of Shakespeare on my chalk board wall. Also, I have prescription drugs sitting next to my bedside. (I know, my coolness level just lowered to -5 in your minds)

10:00 a.m.

I was just so excited for my day of pictures that I forgot to reset my alarm for class. This is the exact moment that I realized I had slept through half of my writing class. 

As you can tell by the terrifying photo, I'm not holding anything back, readers. This really is a day in the life.

11 a.m.

Still not looking too hot and it's almost noon. But look at that view off my balcony. I mean, CAN YOU GET ANY BETTER THAN THE CLOCK TOWER? I really should invest in some sunglasses.

12 p.m.

Hello, work. I've missed you. (Oh wait, no I haven't). 

1 p.m.

Of course the 15 seconds I spend looking for candy is the exact second my alarm goes off to take a photo. I promise I wasn't just sitting here staring at this bowl of candy. Now if it was chocolate..that's a different story. 

2 p.m.

 How can a girl concentrate in lecture class with her blonde roommate sitting next to her?

3 p.m.

 I severely doubted putting this photo on. But it was just too perfect when I ran to the bathroom before class that my alarm started going off in my purse. A girl's gotta pee. It's a part of life. Get over it. 

4 p.m.

After the 3 pm pee photo incident, I was a little more aware of what exactly was happening when the hour struck. So for my 4pm Honors Colloquium with a very-intense Yale grad of a professor, I had to preface my little blog project before I took the photo. I told her that when my phone vibrated on the table, I had to take a photo of the exact thing I was looking at. The only way she would let me do it during class time was if she could flip off the camera when it happened. And alas, if  you look close enough...she's not scratching her face.

5 p.m.

I didn't quite give Daniel the same courtesy I gave my professor at 4 pm by warning him of the photo. Nor did I tell him afterwards why exactly I snapshotted him eating pizza. Some things are just better left a mystery.

6 p.m.

So obviously, after my STRESSFUL day (I mean, you've been with me every hour on the hour readers, IT'S BEEN INTENSE) of course I needed a little television time. Sometimes you have to put up your Keds, lay on the couch and chill. But only for like, 15 minutes.

7 p.m.

 Crap. I fell asleep. So much for 15 minutes of chill time. 

8 p.m.

There's nothing better to do at night than the gaining of knowledge over nonprofit and philanthropy with your colleagues. I was obviously paying a ton of attention and taking very detailed notes.

9 p.m.

After a long and stressful 12 hours consisting of sleeping through class, furious note taking and a much needed nap time, there's no better way to end a long day with an almost-unbaked chocolate chip cookie. The only problem was when my alarm went off at 9pm to take a photo, my hands were a little chocolatey.

So there you have it. 12 photos of 12 moments that I had during the day. I would like to say that the 59 minutes in between when those photos were taken were spent doing some of the most incredible, most world-changing things that you could only imagine. In between that bowl of candy and class, I was helping a grandma cross the street. Before that chocolate chip cookie, I saved a kitten from a tree. But the alarm didn't go off. Sometimes the greatest things you do are never seen. 

We all need these moments in life. These moments when you can just kick up your Keds and watch TV. Moments when you accidentally sleep through class. Moments when your dinner is a cookie. It's moments like these, where you're enjoying life and friends and sweets and laughter, that are remembered. It's what I've always been telling you, readers... 

Just live simply. 

Dealbreakers

I'm a desirable girl.

Wait, "desirable" is a synonym for "mediocrity," right? That's what I thought.

So, being the desirable woman that I am, I am very picky when it comes to choosing my mate. If the female praying mantis takes sexual selection seriously enough to eat a potential suitor's head just because she isn't impressed by him then, by golly, so can I.

It's natural selection for females to be picky. Therefore, it's natural for me to have a few dealbreakers when it comes to my potential suitors. It does not matter if the guy is Brad Pitt, if he commits one of these crimes, heeeee'ssss outta hereeee! (That was me attempting to make a baseball reference and failing miserably.)

Completely Understandable and Valid Dealbreakers in a Relationship: 

1. He doesn't know the difference between an ape and a monkey.

The second he calls a gorilla a monkey is the second I discredit every word out of his mouth. Monkeys have tails. Apes do not. They are two different species. It's not that hard. It's natural for guys to look at butts, so next time you're at the zoo, please look at the primates butt for clarification before you say a word.

2. He has too many keychains.

If he can't fit his car keys into his pocket, he can't hold my hand.

3. He uses the winky face in a text message.

Unless your emoji is trying to explain that you have something in your eye, do not, DO NOT send me the winky emoji. Instant pedophile.

4. He thinks those cicada exoskeletons are nasty.

We're in Oklahoma. It's time to accept the fact that cicadas are everywhere. They're loud as hell. And they go through metamorphosis. Accept the beauties of nature and don't run away screaming like a sissy if I walk toward you with a completely harmless exoskeleton in my hand. It won't bite, but I may.

5. He wouldn't help at turtle cross the road.

I mean, c'mon. DO YOU NOT HAVE A HEART OR SOUL?

6. He's never seen Lord of the Rings.

Ahemmm, how can you go see The Hobbit with me in December if you haven't seen the heart-touching (and possibly homosexual?) relationship between Samwise and Frodo?

7. He doesn't know every word to the first chorus of Ice, Ice Baby. 

We were all 7th graders once. And if you were too cool in 7th grade to listen to that song over and over again attempting to memorize it, well, then you're obviously too cool for me.

8. He wears ugly socks.

If his sock drawer doesn't look like it belongs in an 80 year old man's home, then I don't want to know him. Stripes are a must in every sock wardrobe.

9. He wouldn't be willing to go to Golden Corral with me on a Sunday.

1. People watching. 2. Endless fried shrimp. Need I say more?

10. He has voted more for an American Idol winner than a political candidate.

I know the vote-off between Reuben Studdard and Clay Aiken KIND of mirrored the race for presidency between Barack and John McCain, but if you care more about someone who is going to have a shitty music career lasting 2 months than you do about our nation, well, just don't even talk to me.

So there you have it. Ten completely rational relationship requests. I mean, doesn't every girl want this in their future mate?

(A Girl Who Has No Idea How To Get Ready)'s Guide to Getting Ready

Girls are supposed to have an innate wisdom about some things.

1. Giving birth.
2. Changing a diaper.
3. Being nice.
4. Getting ready.

 In my 21 years of life, I have had to find alternate routes to accomplish these certain tasks that come naturally to other girls. (This is where you ask, "How do you do it, Maggie?!) Well, readers, I'll tell you. It's simple.

1. Don't get pregnant.
2. Avoid babies at all cost, especially when they smell like shit.
3. Vaseline on the teeth. It makes you smile more.
4. Years of practice.

I'll take the heat and be an advocate for girls everywhere who had no idea what the hell what an eyelash curler was until well, 3 weeks ago. So, whether you're just lazy or were born with the XX gene but without the knowledge of makeup application, this one is for you.

The Hair: The Mulan Bun. (Time: 14 seconds, and yes, I'm actually timing)

Now I can represent my favorite Disney movie AND be lazy at the same time.

The resemblance is uncanny, I know.

The Makeup: Revlon Fire and Ice Lipstick and MAC Concealer

$8 dollars away from Anne Hathaway

Pale, vampiric girls like myself love red lipstick. I don't know what it is, but I feel empowered. The downside is that boys don't want to kiss you, but hey, I think I'll be okay without them. 

I don't sleep. My schedule does not permit it. Therefore, there's nothing better than a little concealer under the eyes. I think you're supposed to use a brush or some sort of tool to apply it, but I just use my finger.

The Clothes: Whatever isn't dirty.

My favorite shirts are my Crocodile Hunter shirt and my Chocolate Lab shirt. They are comfy. I like Steve Irwin and I like Labs. But I know I can't wear them in public for fear of ridicule. So I stick to the basics: I have Target v-necks in every color. I cuff my jeans. I love me some Urban Outfitters shoes. I can tell a lot about a person based on their shoes--and for someone who has as little fashion sense as I, I judge people by the shoe choice.


So there you have it. An absolutely useless guide to not wasting hours on your appearance. Every day I walk out of the house only spending a few minutes in front of the mirror. I don't look like a model. I don't look like a slob. I just look like me. And by golly, I feel pretty damn good.